She keeps going and going and going :)

I have been seriously busting my butt for 16 days now after signing up for a weight loss competition sponsored here at the hospital. I have missed 3 workout days since then. Once on Valentine's Day, once when I was really sick, and once last night because I had a lot to do to get ready for my son's 3rd birthday party today! I have only taken one day off my diet and that was Valentines Day and I didn't even go overboard. I am very very proud of myself, but 16 days in can make me restless....it's a long time to bust your butt and deprive yourself every single day without getting irritated. I can accept the fact that I'm going to struggle with stuff like that, but getting through it successfully is easier said than done.

I have a serious issue with wanting things to happen much quicker than they are going to. I mean it took me 10 years to gain all this weight...why in the hell can't it fall off in 2 weeks??? lol. Yes, logically I know better, but sometimes when you feel like you are pushing yourself to the limit and your not seeing things happen quickly enough it's frustrating! A weight loss battle can teach you a lot of big and small things about yourself, some things we already know, some things, we didn't and some things we don't want to know. Like it or not, if your in a serious battle with yourself, about weight....your gonna learn. Tonight I wanna share just a few of the biggest things I have learned about myself this year!

1. I have learned that I am fat! Obviously this falls under the category of things I already knew about myself, but really, I have a lot of workout buddies this go around, and some of them aren't fat! In fact some of them are plain skinny, and I don't begrudge them that, I'm just saying I look like a very very large person working out next to some of them. Sometimes I hate it because it's easier for these people, and really I'm wishing it was easier for me, it's clearly my own fault,and that is what I'm trying to fix but it's still frustrating at times.

2. I have learned that I am pretty impatient when it comes to myself. In a weird way I sort of already knew that, but it's always to so much more of an extreme when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, even though it took me years to gain all the weight, I want it to come off now.....and stay off! Please and Thank You!

3. I have learned that I am really really self conscious when it comes to working out at the gym with people I don't know. This is a new thing for me because I have never had a gym membership before and it can really bother me to bust my butt in front of strangers because frankly I'm sure it isn't a pretty sight. I have had to learn to take on an attitude of feeling good and not caring what they are thinking because at least I am there trying to fix it. This is also weird for me because I have no problem spouting my weight and all my personal information regarding my weight loss journey all over the internet in this blog! ;) I guess we all have a comfort zone...and this is mine. I know people that would't dare tell someone what they weigh, but have no problem working out in front of whoever.

4. Sometimes the people who you believed would be your biggest supporters, are everything but that. This has been the toughest one for me so far. Some people just can't find it in themselves to tell you that you are doing a good job, or to throw you some words of encouragement when they know how hard you have been working. This is one of those big things you can learn in a journey like this, and something that you don't learn just about yourself. It's never clear if it's out of selfishness, or jealousy, or just plain hardheartedness....whichever reason it is. It isn't right and it's certainly not fair, but you can't make people support you when they don't want to, whether they should be or not. Even if it's someone who should have, or someone you really thought would. Some people just don't have it in them! Most of the time it's people who haven't really been down a road like this one to really try hard to take weight off. In the end it's always a good thing to learn about people because as the old saying goes "When things get tough, you always learn who your true friends are", and that's true, you can learn who really wants you to succeed, you can learn who can support you through tough times, and you can learn who you can count on to stand by your side and support you no matter what the battle is you are fighting. On the reverse side of that, you can also have amazing support come from places you never thought and form strong bonds with people who want to see and help you succeed. At the end of the day, even though it can be tough, it's good to know who you can really depend on!

5. The last big thing I have really been learning is that......when people don't show support, and people don't want me to succeed.....it. makes. me. want. it. MORE!!!!! Tell me I can't do something and it is going to make me that much more determined to do it, and I can be a very controlled and determined person, in fact I'm known for it around my house :) It's a much needed skill that I have learned over many years of dealing with a lot of different types of people, and all the different types of crap that comes from it. I'm not saying that some of this stuff isn't hurtful, or even angering...but I am pretty good these days about taking negative energy and words, and using it to my own advantage, to push myself harder. Everyone knows success is that much sweeter when you do something someone either didn't want you to do, or didn't think you could do! So I guess even though it's something I would prefer to not deal with , I can use it as a tool. By all means, if you must, keep it coming ;)

I'm still going strong. Still learning, day by day. Keeping it going, no matter what happens. I'm still here, still working, still changing, and still positive that no matter what, that isn't going to change anytime soon!

With the right pair of shoes...a girl can do anything ;)

Blogging in the blogging chair tonight...headed to the gym as soon as I'm finished :)

As any of you who know me know, I have been hard on the diet and workout plan for almost a week solid. I mean counting every last calorie, and working out every night at the gym although I did miss one night at the gym because I was out of town, but my hubby and I ran that morning instead. I have no idea where my numbers are at, but I can feel changes already. Part of me wants to hop on the scale just too see, but my smarter side knows better, knows to be patient and wait. Now it may seem like a silly thing to some people, but shoes make a big difference when you decide to start working out hard. I have never ever had a really nice pair of shoes, mainly because I can't bring myself to spend the money on them. However, because of that normally by this time, I am having to miss workouts because I have blistered and bloody feet. This year my mom...looking out for me no matter what age I am bought me a nice pair of Adidas Climamax running shoes over Superbowl weekend and I have to tell you that I am in love. I have had these shoes and been working out in them for a week and my feet are in perfect condition...no blisters, no rashes from rubbing, the bottom of my feet aren't sore...nothing. I am in shoe heaven, workout shoe heaven to be more exact.

There they are...they are hot pink and fluorescent turquoise and to be honest that has nothing to do with why I love them so much. I decided to "break them in" on Superbowl Sunday, and I didn't need to, they fit my foot like a glove and they are so flexible and light that it's almost like you don't even have any shoes on. Now I don't want to write an entire blog on shoes, but I am just putting it out there that something so small, one little thing like the shoes you wear can make the difference in succeeding. I know it's easy to feel guilty about it (I mean my mom had to buy mine for me) but if your in it to win it...go all in! Don't let something so small keep getting in your way. The less little stuff that gets in the way, the more likely we are to make it! Plus we have fewer things to use as excuses :) The other thing that is really keeping me motivated is my workout buddies. My husband has always been a good one when he commits, but to have others who stick with you and push you is a huge weight lifted because sometimes I need it. I have been sick and yesterday had our workout buddies not called, I may not have hit the gym, but they did, and I did, and I rocked it...even feeling like crap. So cheers to success in numbers..the more people you have rooting for you, the more people on your side, wanting you to succeed, the more likely it is that you will! Day 5 of hitting it hardcore and going strong!!!

Hitting the gym!!

Weigh Day!!!

Ok, just a quick post tonight because it was weigh day, and we had bowling tonight and now are having a movie night with friends, but I haven't forgotten that I need to be accountable! I'm sure that all of you have been on the edge of your seats all day just pondering what I weigh lol so here it is!

I mentioned in my last post that I didn't come into this weigh in with a lot of expectations, the truth is I know my behavior throughout the month so most of the time I somewhat know what to expect. I'm pretty happy with the 5 pound loss this weigh in! :) It's 5 less pounds than I was last month and it's been a crazy month. Plus when you get down to it, one pound of fat lost is pretty substantial. It's definitely time for a positive approach to weigh in's rather than being hard on myself! I'm about to start hitting this pretty hard so I fully expect next month's number to be bigger!!!  Looking forward to the next month, have quite a few interesting topics that I am hoping to dig into and blog about this month. I see a ton of good things for the month of February! Have a wonderful evening my friends, and as always thank you so much for the continued support!

Busy, busy. Still working though!!!

Ok my friends, I am so sorry I haven't blogged since I moved! Life has been so busy that I haven't really taken the time to sit down and blog. Tonight is gonna be quick, just an update and a few thoughts :)

We did get moved into our new home which pretty much completely consumed almost 2 weeks of my life! While I didn't completely follow my diet and exercise throughout that time, I didn't go completely down the toilet either. However I got my treadmill in this week and have followed my diet and exercise plan perfectly...even though I am also working on quitting smoking right now also!! I am really proud of myself because I never thought I could do both things at once and so far I'm doing great. I have gone from a pack a day habit to 5 cigarettes a day and hope to cut it down to 4 or less in the next couple days, without any help from meds or electronic cigarettes or patches or anything, haven't eaten my feelings at all, instead I'm taking out my cravings and such on the treadmill which is great! I'm trying hard to be mindful of the people around me when I feel cranky, and chewing a lot of gum :) I have gotten overwhelming support from my wonderful friends and family and I am so very thankful for that! Already I have noticed when I'm jogging on the treadmill I don't lose my breathe as quick and I can push myself longer which has been awesome too! The bottom line is that I'm in determination mode right now, and I may as well try and kick this nasty habits butt at the same time. Being healthy isn't just about what you weigh....it would be great to be 100 pounds lighter, but what good is it if I'm blackening my lungs while I'm at it!?!? I'm heading into god knows what trying to completely make over my lifestyle into a healthy one. I know without a doubt that its going to get a hell of a lot harder before it gets easier, but knowing and understanding and being prepared for that is half the battle, and it's a battle I'm already fighting, I'm already on my way to winning! Sometimes taking the first step is all you need to get you there!!! I'm a pretty simple girl when it comes right down to it, and this entire thing simplifies life a little more in all the right ways :) So weigh in is the day after tomorrow. I know better at this point looking back on my month to expect to see anything too significant, but I'm looking forward, not back!! I will be signing up for the same weight loss competition that I did last year where I did win top female loser, I also have a fun spring break planned with my family that I will be able to incorporate into my journey, and maybe most exciting of all....my hubby and I are renewing our wedding vows this summer after 10 years of marriage. Lots of planning and weight loss involved in that as I will be on a quest to find a beautiful dress to fit my changing body! :) to those of you who let me know you missed my blog I thank you so much, knowing I have you helps keep me going! One day this is going to happen for me, and I will have you to thank for pushing me, supporting me, and believing in me! It's about to get serious, time for full speed!!

Day #1...again!

So there it is...that number that I have been dreading, but I can't say it's unexpected because after all these years of my weight going up and down, I usually have a pretty good idea of the number just based on how I feel, the way my clothes fit..and looking in the mirror! I actually guessed myself 5 pounds heavier than this before I stepped on the scale and my hubby guessed me at 10 pounds lighter. Either way, this is my weight as of today. I post my weight because I am doing this so that my friends and family can be a part of my journey too, I said I would be honest, and honestly I don't have anything to hide. I know some people have an issue with others knowing their weight but there are a couple reasons why it doesn't bother me. I am happily married so I'm not afraid of some guy deciding I'm not worth his time because of the number on the scale (plus a guy like that wouldn't interest me anyway), and I am well aware of who I am, you can tell by looking at me that I am fat. Even if you see the picture and feel the need to tell me I'm fat, that's fine, I already know that :) I'm a wife and a mother of 4 kids, at this point in my life it's hard to humiliate me so you should expect to continue to see pictures of my weight..once a month. However I do try to keep humiliation to a minimum so although I will blog my weight, you won't catch me on a street corner holding a sign with my weight and body fat percentage, that's just asking for trouble! ;)

I started this today because once I made the decision to start at all, I had to do it quick, gives me less time to talk myself out of it. Clearly it's good that I decided to since I have gained 33 pounds since March last year when I had my weight at the lowest it had been in my adult life. I did not bust my ass today and walk 10 miles or jog 3 or any of that. I did one mile on the elliptical and a round of strength training..legs, tummy, and arms. It kept my heart rate up, I burned some calories, sweat, and I felt great afterwards, plus my legs are sore which is always a good sign! I don't have a specific exercise plan that I am following so I'm just gonna go with the flow each day. I have the equipment, tools,and knowledge I need to do this. I'll just have to decide how to apply those things every day. My diet is gonna be the usual. I like to count calories, and post pictures and use numbers because it's fact, I can put it on here without playing with it or stretching the truth. The thing about typing, or even speaking to someone is this: you can say anything you want, but just because you say it doesn't make it true. That's why I give you the numbers and the pictures. Here on this blog or on my facebook, what you see is what you get, and what you see is what it is, bottom line. Just remember I am sharing all this in hopes of getting support in return, not negativity. Support and advice is always appreciated :)

Here I am today. Trust me I know it's almost painful to be posting these pictures here today, when 1 year ago I did this very thing and then failed. I have to do what I have to do, and I'm starting over. Not a pretty picture, and it is my least favorite part. I dislike the pictures more than I do getting on the scale. I did my measurements again also so here those are...

Bust-47 1/2 inches

Waist-49 inches

Hips-48 inches

Right Arm-14 inches

Left Arm-14 1/4 inches

Right Thigh-27 3/4 inches

Left Thigh-27 inches

Right Calf-16 1/2 inches

Left Calf-17 inches

I have learned for me it is very important to keep track of inches because sometimes when you don't see the loss in on the scale you will see it in the inches which is always nice. I plan on keeping a food journal as well, today was a successful one, and the chicken stir fry dinner was delicious!

That is a lot of painful truths in one blog. The beginning is always the hardest because you have to acknowledge where you are at but...

Day #1 down...lot's and lot's more to go. I could be wrong but I'm really thinking that 2013 could be my year! ;)

Goodnight!

2013...if your tired of starting over you have to stop quitting!

I don't want to get on here and blog about how 2013 is going to be my year to lose weight. The truth is that I don't really know if it is. I can say that I hope that it is my year! I'm not going to look at this like a resolution because is just something we come up with all because the date changes. I think that real goals need to be more than a resolution. In fact I hadn't even panned on starting over again because I have to want it to do it and it hadn't crossed my mind a whole lot, but that all changed yesterday as I was doing more packing to move because I ran across my diet journal. It's a handmade, in a binder and I put a lot of work into it. I was inspired and dedicated when I made it. It has page after page of foods and their calorie content, handwritten. Pages of me journaling about weight loss. It has pictures of me and my husband and my kids and lists and lists of reasons why I wanted to get healthier and a diet plan I wrote out, and in the very back is page after page of daily food and exercise logs. Once I found my handmade journal, it made me go back through this blog. Sometimes to know where you want to go, you have to look back at where you have been. This is war I have been fighting for years, some battles I have lost and others I have won...I haven't come close to winning the war though. Today I realized I still want to try, I can be good at this weight loss thing when I set my mind to it and I'm not ready to completely give up, so the only thing to do is to keep trying. Starting over is exhausting and daunting, but I have to stop quitting in order to stop having to start over! Stop quitting or just give up for good and just be the way I am forever....completely giving up just isn't an option for me, it's not who I am. I have dreams that I can't let go of and this is one of them!!!!! I'm sure I will screw up and get down but hopefully I won't give in. I have started the year out with a lot of positive things going on, and a few really positive changes. In some ways I found my self worth again, and made changes in my life to get rid of the things that were taking that away from me and that's a pretty big start for someone like me! Now I haven't gotten on a scale yet so I can't give you any numbers, but I will. I'm renewing my vows this summer so who knows??? I could be in a much smaller dress by then! I need help from all of you too though, I started a blog originally because I was hoping to not only be held more accountable, but to help inspire others. I will keep blogging, and keep you updated and be honest even when I don't want to, and you hold me accountable friends! Sometimes it takes the support of other people to do great things <3

The things that we hold on to!?!?

I have been thinking a lot lately about different people and the different things people hang on too. I have always been the type of person who will hold on with a death grip to people and things and places that I love. Or I used to be....I'm still trying to figure out exactly what has happened between then and now that has changed me so much.

The person that I am now doesn't hang on to things as much anymore. 5 years ago....I was one hell of a fighter. I had some pretty tough times in my marriage, but I wouldn't give up. No part of me could have even considered letting go of somebody that I loved so much. I have a friendship that was so far gone I thought it could never be fixed, and I fought for that too. My family relationships...always working so hard to keep everyone happy. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved them and the best way to show that is by holding on, right? It can come at a cost though. A cost of yourself, and who you really are. 

I sit here tonight and I say these things, I'm not preaching, I'm confessing. I'm confessing because I know I'm guilty too. I'm certainly guilty of both holding on too tight, and not holding on hard enough. I'm also guilty of being someone who is to hard to hold on to sometimes. 

I have experienced a lot of loss this year. Different things, different circumstances, different people. It breaks my heart because some of those things I didn't have to lose if I had just held on a little harder. Fought a little harder. Been a little more forgiving, or maybe a little more accepting. The thing is, I think that after years of holding on to people who didn't want it, or didn't appreciate it, or didn't care I gave up. I loved people to much and they took advantage of it, so I decided not to make the same mistakes anymore, and you know what it does make things a little easier, but when you dig a little deeper easier isn't always better. In some cases I know that it probably worked out for the best, but in other cases I'll never know what could have been.

I want to learn when it's right to hold on and when it's right to let go. I wanna learn to love people for exactly who they are, and not only love them but be accepting of them, even if I can't agree, even if I can't relate, even if it's different than who I thought they were, even if I don't think it what's best, because who am I to tell anyone? 

Losing weight is seriously a mental battlefield at least half of the time. This is where it's time to let go...freely let go! Let go of the anger we are carrying around, let go of the little voices in our heads telling us we are going to fail, let go of our self doubt, our fear of losing things we don't want to let go of, our fear of the scale, our fear of calories and chocolate, fear of shin splints and burning muscles and getting up early to work out, let go of our fantasy of looking hot while working out (me+jogging=not a pretty sight), let go of being afraid for other people to see it..the jerk who is making fun of the way you look jogging should maybe get of his or her butt and do it themselves! LET IT GO! As long as this stuff is hanging on we don't have the clear head and strong body to accomplish our goals. Let go of the past, the mistakes that have been made, the people that aren't in your life anymore, the heart break, the bad decisions, the wrong paths, the words you said that you wish you hadn't or worse...the words you never said that you wish you had. The thing to hold on to are the memories, the beautiful memories, the things that make you smile, the lessons you have learned, the things you loved about people you don't have anymore, the things that made you better, the things that are light enough that you can carry them into the future without it weighing you down. I need to let go and love and forgive myself, because I have to know that I am a person that deserves to reach my goals.

I know, that for me, I need to keep my emotional baggage light, because every bit of any kind of weight could throw me off track.  I need to look forward and not back. I'm still improving everyday, in more ways than one and I'm learning, everyday. Today I learned what to hold on to and what not to.

Hold on tight to the people that are beside me, the people that I live for and love. The people that I wouldn't even dream of letting go of because I learned that I need them, and that some things really are worth fighting for. Let go of my fears and my negativity and my regrets. Hang on to myself and my goals, so I can let go of what I have wanted to let go of all along...all these extra pounds!!!