Before and After pics...Progress so far :)

We are almost halfway through March now and I just don't know where the time has gone. On January 1st I started this journey knowing it was going to be long and tough, but I really had no idea how tough it was going to be. I have dieted before, I have done this before......but never has it lasted this long...not with me still being in full swing, and dedicated to it. It's an uphill battle, that I'm still fighting.

We as people are programmed to keep going when things get tough, but when it comes to weight loss, that instinct doesn't always kick in. It's so, so easy to give in and make excuses. I have definitely felt myself losing my will at times. Thank god for my mom and my husband who somehow seem to put things into perspective for me when I start to lose my way. Reminding me why I am doing this, and reminding me that I can...and how far I have come. My kids keep me going and give me reasons to stay determined without even realizing they do. When I need a renewed motivation it always comes at just the right time, and sometimes for me it's good to look back at where I came from. So with that in mind today I am going to post some before and after...as far as I have come along up to today. The after pictures were taken this evening, and boy I am renewed again, because I really have come a long way! I am wearing the same shirt in both pictures...I can't wear the same pants today as I did before because they are way too big! :) So I just slipped on some black leggings. Here is my proof...that I am doing this! And I have every reason to be proud!

Being at peace with yourself!

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."-St. Francis de Sales

I know that for me it is really hard to just be mellow and laid back and that's why I want to blog about this today. I am one of those types that can get panicked when things start to get out of control, or what feels like out of control to me. I like having things under control, and in order and part of that is just being obsessive compulsive which I have dealt with my entire life, but part of that is because my life can get so overloaded sometimes, that having that control is the only way I am able to keep things running smoothly. So even though my life is very busy, it's normally a smooth sailing busy, it's a well oiled machine, and for the most part that's how it stays and that is what I can handle.

Then there are those times when something happens, or someone happens, or something doesn't happen that should have...it's a recipe for a stressful day. On most days when something comes up, it's an easy fix or it's easy to work around, or to work through. So I wondered why is it that sometimes an upset in a day can throw everything into a downward spiral and I think that it is when we start to lose touch with our inner peace that things don't remain peaceful in our outside world.

Learning about emotions, and feelings, battles within ourselves, who we are, who we want to be, how we want to treat other people, the type of impact we want to have in other peoples lives....these are the things that we don't learn in school. Some of these things can't be taught by anyone, you have to learn it and figure it out yourself. I feel no shame when I say that I am still learning, and in fact until a couple years ago, I wasn't concerned with learning about this kind of stuff. Too young, not thinking about what I wanted my impact to be. I'm not saying that I wanted to be mean or unkind or that I didn't want to know who I was, I just didn't put much thought into figuring it out. We learn about ourselves throughout our whole lives, your never too old or too young...but we only learn it if we want to and choose to. It might not always be positive because none of us are perfect, I know that everyone has something to learn about themselves that isn't flattering but that's ok. It's ok because you aren't the only one, but more than that you can't love yourself in the way you should without accepting even the things you aren't proud of, and you can't change those things if you don't first recognize them.

So the more I  delve into myself, the more I learn, I find things both that I love and that I really do not like. Everything that we are is placed there at one time or another in one way or another and we are the only ones that can feed the positive things, and work out the negative things. And even though we will never be perfect people, we will be improving all the time. That's the best that anyone can do.

So today I'm working on keeping my inner peace intact because the more I learn I am realizing that all of this other stuff in life, in love, in friendship, in ourselves, in our outside world..all of this stuff is much more manageable, and understandable if you hold on to your inner peace. It's something I want to learn to hang on to even when things are really, really tough...especially when things are really, really tough because that's when we need it the most. I need to be at peace within myself, I need to be at peace with who I am...in every way. I need to let go of those things that threaten to take that away from me, and I need to learn to accept and love those things that I can't let go of.

I know without a doubt that for the rest of my life I am going to be imperfect, I'm the type of person who can sometimes get flustered when I feel like I'm losing control, I'm going to work on that but it will always be a part of me. I just know as long as I am making a conscious effort, it can only get better from here!

Weigh and Measure Day February

Last weigh in was January 31st, and I have been loving this once a month weigh in because it so much less stressful on me day to day and week to week, but it always catches up to me, and so even though it does not seem like a month has passed...it has and I had to weigh and measure. I was already a little anxious because February has not been my best month. I took more days off than I should, and that is when the numbers tell on you. I decided to go into it with a positive attitude anyways, and I am telling myself just as all of you who are trying to lose weight should be telling yourselves...a loss is good, any loss is good, any loss is less than you were the last time, be proud and let's appreciate ourselves! So anyways here it is...



224.3!!!!!!!!!!!

It's definitely not the 24 pound loss of last month but it's a 10.1 pound loss this month. 10 pounds less than I was, 34 pounds less than I was January 31st, and darn near 80 pounds less than I was 3 years ago...and here is the REALLY exciting thing about it....This is the lowest weight I have been at since I had my daughter Hailee almost 8 years ago!!! My lowest weight in 8 years!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT IS A BIG DEAL!!!! So rather than being discouraged I am looking in the positive light, I am still steadily losing, still going down, still getting smaller, every month can't be a record breaker. Besides I am only 24.3 pounds away from 200, and when I hit 199 I am literally throwing a party (and I mean that quite literally). Every pound and inch deserves a pat on the back because this is hard. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done and I triumph every day when I keep going, keep moving forward, keep reaching for my goals....it's that determination that will ensure that I get where I wanna be going. It was pretty awesome anyways because I felt  more determined than ever, I jogged 6 miles today and I am getting ready to try our new Zumba, but before that I wanna give you all my measurements as well.

Waist-41 1/2 inches
Hips- 41.5 inches
Right thigh- 25 1/2 inches
Left thigh- 24 1/2 inches
Right calf- 16 inches
Left calf- 16.5 inches
Right Arm-14 inches
Left Arm- 13.5 inches
Bust- 42.5 inches

Soooooooooooooooooooo....since January 1st

I have lost...
6.5 inches off my waist!
11 inches off my hips!
2.5 inches off my right thigh!
3.5 inches off my left thigh!
1 inch off my right calf!
.5 inch off my left calf!
.5 inch off my right arm!
.5 inch off my left arm!
4.5 inches off my bust!

That is 30 1/2 inches off of my body! That's more than 2 feet!

So wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking hoooooooooooooooooooooooo to me!!! I'm doing a pretty awesome job...and here is to another month of losing! :)

Outside Influence

Today started out as an amazing day, I did a 25 minute jog on my treadmill and I felt so amazing, the sun was shining and it was so bright and beautiful outside. Then some stuff got stirred up in my personal life that I was not happy about. I have really done a great job staying clear of negative energy, but every now an again stuff pops up that squashes that...if you let it!

When I set out on my afternoon outdoor jog with my hubby I was feeling pretty rattled by the whole thing, of course trying to figure out how it happened, how to fix it, how to just make it stop. I was sure that I either wasn't going to be able to complete my jog, or that I wasn't going to do to hot at it. I had already decided that I was going to focus my blog on that, how negativity affects us physically and mentally.

When I finished the jog, I had done just fine, normal time and everything and I realized that I am not that person anymore! I did what I needed to do just the same. There was a time that I would have used it as an excuse not to do the things I needed to, or as an excuse to be depressed and eat what I shouldn't, or as an excuse to do something with much less enthusiasm than I should be, but not today! I have changed in so many ways, and as I have said before with my stronger body comes a stronger mind...I am living proof of that.

I don't want to spend my life hung up on negativity, worrying about what people are thinking of me, or saying about me. Spending my time thinking or worrying about those things is a catastrophic waste of time that I could be using to the million things I do every day. I am proud, I am proud because I didn't let outside stuff interfere with my goals. I didn't let that get in my way, I didn't let it bring me down, I didn't let it stop me from moving forward, and most importantly I didn't let it affect who I am, and what I stand for. I have been learning that when you have mental and emotional weight on your shoulders...it's bad news if your trying to take pounds off your body. Carrying things like anger, and hate, and grudges. Worrying about pleasing everyone you know, worried about who is mad at you and why, worried about what people are thinking and saying about you, worried about trying not to get in trouble with people in your life, how to fix things whether they are your fault or not, wondering and wishing for more honesty and accountability out of others...all these things are heavy weights to carry around, and that kind of stuff can pack the pounds on very quickly, it's hard to be healthy and happy and strong on the outside when on the inside your mad or sad and angry and weak. We all carry something around that we don't want to at one time or another, learning to deal with it and let go is the challenge. As long as you take those things, deal with them the best you can...and then let them go, you can keep your mind and your conscience nice and clear.

I don't care if it makes me weird, I would rather be alone than be around those who feed off of negativity and get pleasure out of causing hurt, bringing other people down, It's not something I want to be a part of, because losing weight is more than diet and exercise, scales and counting calories...it's a mental battle too. It's a mental battle more than a physical one in my opinion and in order to win that battle you have to have a healthy mind. I'm in no way a perfect example of any of this stuff, but I do try really hard, looking back on just the last 2 months I have made some pretty big strides. I'm a work in progress, constantly changing, changing for the better in every sense of the word, and I am not just a little proud of that....I'm VERY proud of that!!!!!!

Trying Something new

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

This can be applied to so many different aspects of weight loss. Different diets that don't work, that we keep going back to anyways. Different workouts, different books, starting and stopping, loving and hating...I just want to focus on one thing tonight though and that's the way I treat myself.

I have tried a lot of different things, but I have a hard time being nice to myself. Maybe that's why it has been such a struggle because in my past I am constantly telling myself that I can't do it...so then I give up. I don't know why we feel the need to be so hurtful and mean to ourselves, we know it's wrong to treat other people badly and I really try not to, but I take no issue with being downright awful to myself.

My diet and exercise and weight are constantly running through my head, and I am so mean to myself. So what I want to try and work on is just loving me a little more, being kinder to myself, don't say things to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. If you tell yourself something enough times, you could start to believe it, and failure is just not an option for me at this point.

I am striving to be a healthier, stronger, better person...physically and mentally and I do not intend on letting anything or anyone get in my way, and that includes myself. Sometimes we have to give credit when it's due, and I know that giving credit to ourselves might seem self-centered or silly, but it's important for us to be aware of our worth. On top of that there are enough outside influences who are more than willing and ready to take you down and be cruel, trying to make you give up on yourself and your goals. 

You can't keep yourself safe from people with hateful intentions when you don't treat yourself any better. You have to be on your own side because sometimes, there are things that only we can do for ourselves.

Me with my little blogging partner!

2 Years and counting!

Our baby is 2 years old now. It's a big occasion, not just for the obvious reasons that our babies getting older is a big deal. It's a big occasion because I had my tubes tied after I had Hunter, so this makes 2 years and counting that my body has been my own, without housing any human beings. I had 4 kids in 6 years, so I had become pretty accustomed to sharing my body. 2 years now without any excuses for being overweight. I have known always that I could not blame my weight on my pregnancies, it was my own behavior during pregnancies...and in between that caused my weight to spiral out of control, but whatever way you look at it pregnancy is tough on the body, and it changes a woman's body permanently in some ways.

It was 2 years ago when I had my final post-pregnancy check up. My doctor asked me what I was going to do now (since I had spent the last 6 years basically as a baby factory) :) I told my doctor then that I wanted to lose weight...that was my next big project, and it has been quite a work in progress ever since that day! Of course if I had been working as hard as I am now the entire time I would most likely be at my goal weight, but I haven't. It's been off and on, still I am significantly lighter now than I was then, so my efforts .weren't all destroyed. Willpower and motivation long term can be a real issue for me. Because of my own struggles I really learned what it means to make a lifestyle change. Diet and exercise will make you lose weight....maintaining weight loss long term requires those healthy habits to become the norm for you. I'm still working on that now because it's so easy to slip into old habits.

All I want to do this time is to just really do it! Keep doing it! Years of losing and gaining 20-50 pounds and gaining it back has been the story of my adult life, I want out of that cycle, I want to really truly take it all the way...and then stay there!

The jogging has been pretty tough on me, and today has not been any different, and I know without a doubt that skipping 3 days over the long weekend did not help, even though I followed my diet really well not getting that exercise in made starting again today rough to say the least, but I did it. In the past when it was that hard, I would just give up...gain it all back, and then get upset about it, upset and angry at myself for not caring enough about me to keep it up. I have no idea what has changed inside my body and mind but for some reason even when I don't want to...I do it. I am certainly not complaining because that's what I have needed all along, I can't go back to giving up on myself when the journey is tough. If it was easy then everyone would be thin, if it doesn't hurt then it probably isn't working. Pushing through the pain is where the test is at. I am my own worst critic and sometimes I just wanna smack myself for taking 25 minutes to to jog just over 2 miles, but even at my lowest even when I'm not proud, even when I am being hardest on myself, and I feel like I'm dying after my jog...I keep going, I keep doing it, that is what is going to get me my long term results, that is what is going to make the difference in success rather than failure.

I am refusing to give up on myself, and that has to count for something.

Tummy Tuck!?

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I was brave enough to do it I would post pictures of my tummy on here....but I'm not so you are just going to have to trust me that it's pretty bad :( Definitely not attractive to look at, and getting harder and harder to hide because the more weight I lose...the further down it hangs..I apologize for saying that because I know it's disgusting, trust me, but I said I was going to do an honest blog and that's what I plan on doing.

I have really known since I had my last baby that I was probably going to eventually need a tummy tuck if I ever lost the weight I wanted to...back then over 2 years ago, it was an IF, now it's just when I lose the weight because I know I am going to do it. My doc told me that because I am young, there was a small chance that my skin could tighten back up. However, because I had 4 pregnancies in 6 years...it was highly unlikely. Mind you, I do more than just cardio, I do exercises designed to build muscles and tighten tummies, and I know for sure now that I am going to need a tummy tuck because it's just not tightening up for me, I wish it was, but it's not.

So I have looked into it myself, and I have a few friends who also have and I think it's going to be a good option for me a little later down the road. It's not cheap....in fact it's spendy and I am not the type that has money like that. I can afford to do it one time and one time only and that is tax time, and that is what is slated for February 2013. I'm definitely scared about it, the only surgeries I have ever had are the 2 C-Sections that I had no choice on. I don't see the doctor much and I'm not one for hospitals, but this is something I really want to do, because unless I do that I will never look at myself in the mirror..naked, and like what I see. So on the other hand I am pretty darn excited.

In some of my reading last night I learned how I need to prepare for this. I need to be within 20 pounds of my ideal weight before I can have the operation. My goal weight is 140. On the BMI chart my ideal weight is between around 125-150 or something like that. Anyways I need to be about 160 to have the surgery. On January 31st I was at 234 so I am about 70 pounds give or take a few away. I have a year because I want that tummy tuck next year at tax time! 70 pounds is a really daunting number...that's a whole lot of weight, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

As a result of my research last night I have decided to change my workouts up for the rest of February and see if I get better results. I'm not doing a ton of walking anymore..I'm jogging at shorter intervals of time a few times throughout the day, but on the current route I'm doing today, and what I'm doing on the treadmill in the mornings it will actually equal out to around 7 miles a day.

Today was a rough start for sure. I started out with a 15 minute jog on the treadmill this morning but the speed was up much higher than normal and it was a good workout. For my second jog of the day my hubby and I will be going on his lunch break together. Today is the first day of this...we started out, he told me to set the pace, and I apparently was thinking I was way more awesome than I am because I started out pretty quick, in fact we finished the first mile in about 10 minutes, but then I started dying! :-/ Had to stop and walk, then jog again. When my hubby set the pace it was much more tolerable...I still felt like I was dying but it felt like I might die in an hour rather than right at that moment. The short of it is that I did finish, we actually finished off really strong and ran the very end. The whole thing was 2.16 miles, in the end it took 27 minutes with an average pace of 4.74 miles per hour. Not the best but it's my first day.

At first I was discouraged, I truthfully expected a little more from myself, but I really am trying and if you could have seen me out there (which I apologize to anyone who drove by and was unfortunate enough to see the mess unfolding) but if you could have seen me and heard me you would know without a doubt that I truly was pushing myself really hard. You know what? I did a pretty good job!

When my husband gets home we will be setting out for the final jog of the day, same route. Maybe I'll hold a good pace better, but who knows...either way I'll keep trying. 3 jogs a day for 2 weeks and we will see if it does my weight loss any favors!

70 pounds in one year is a lot of weight..but I'm thinking that I can do it :)

“Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” ~Michael Jordan

Me and my new jogging partner <3