The things that we hold on to!?!?

I have been thinking a lot lately about different people and the different things people hang on too. I have always been the type of person who will hold on with a death grip to people and things and places that I love. Or I used to be....I'm still trying to figure out exactly what has happened between then and now that has changed me so much.

The person that I am now doesn't hang on to things as much anymore. 5 years ago....I was one hell of a fighter. I had some pretty tough times in my marriage, but I wouldn't give up. No part of me could have even considered letting go of somebody that I loved so much. I have a friendship that was so far gone I thought it could never be fixed, and I fought for that too. My family relationships...always working so hard to keep everyone happy. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved them and the best way to show that is by holding on, right? It can come at a cost though. A cost of yourself, and who you really are. 

I sit here tonight and I say these things, I'm not preaching, I'm confessing. I'm confessing because I know I'm guilty too. I'm certainly guilty of both holding on too tight, and not holding on hard enough. I'm also guilty of being someone who is to hard to hold on to sometimes. 

I have experienced a lot of loss this year. Different things, different circumstances, different people. It breaks my heart because some of those things I didn't have to lose if I had just held on a little harder. Fought a little harder. Been a little more forgiving, or maybe a little more accepting. The thing is, I think that after years of holding on to people who didn't want it, or didn't appreciate it, or didn't care I gave up. I loved people to much and they took advantage of it, so I decided not to make the same mistakes anymore, and you know what it does make things a little easier, but when you dig a little deeper easier isn't always better. In some cases I know that it probably worked out for the best, but in other cases I'll never know what could have been.

I want to learn when it's right to hold on and when it's right to let go. I wanna learn to love people for exactly who they are, and not only love them but be accepting of them, even if I can't agree, even if I can't relate, even if it's different than who I thought they were, even if I don't think it what's best, because who am I to tell anyone? 

Losing weight is seriously a mental battlefield at least half of the time. This is where it's time to let go...freely let go! Let go of the anger we are carrying around, let go of the little voices in our heads telling us we are going to fail, let go of our self doubt, our fear of losing things we don't want to let go of, our fear of the scale, our fear of calories and chocolate, fear of shin splints and burning muscles and getting up early to work out, let go of our fantasy of looking hot while working out (me+jogging=not a pretty sight), let go of being afraid for other people to see it..the jerk who is making fun of the way you look jogging should maybe get of his or her butt and do it themselves! LET IT GO! As long as this stuff is hanging on we don't have the clear head and strong body to accomplish our goals. Let go of the past, the mistakes that have been made, the people that aren't in your life anymore, the heart break, the bad decisions, the wrong paths, the words you said that you wish you hadn't or worse...the words you never said that you wish you had. The thing to hold on to are the memories, the beautiful memories, the things that make you smile, the lessons you have learned, the things you loved about people you don't have anymore, the things that made you better, the things that are light enough that you can carry them into the future without it weighing you down. I need to let go and love and forgive myself, because I have to know that I am a person that deserves to reach my goals.

I know, that for me, I need to keep my emotional baggage light, because every bit of any kind of weight could throw me off track.  I need to look forward and not back. I'm still improving everyday, in more ways than one and I'm learning, everyday. Today I learned what to hold on to and what not to.

Hold on tight to the people that are beside me, the people that I live for and love. The people that I wouldn't even dream of letting go of because I learned that I need them, and that some things really are worth fighting for. Let go of my fears and my negativity and my regrets. Hang on to myself and my goals, so I can let go of what I have wanted to let go of all along...all these extra pounds!!!