She keeps going and going and going :)

I have been seriously busting my butt for 16 days now after signing up for a weight loss competition sponsored here at the hospital. I have missed 3 workout days since then. Once on Valentine's Day, once when I was really sick, and once last night because I had a lot to do to get ready for my son's 3rd birthday party today! I have only taken one day off my diet and that was Valentines Day and I didn't even go overboard. I am very very proud of myself, but 16 days in can make me restless....it's a long time to bust your butt and deprive yourself every single day without getting irritated. I can accept the fact that I'm going to struggle with stuff like that, but getting through it successfully is easier said than done.

I have a serious issue with wanting things to happen much quicker than they are going to. I mean it took me 10 years to gain all this weight...why in the hell can't it fall off in 2 weeks??? lol. Yes, logically I know better, but sometimes when you feel like you are pushing yourself to the limit and your not seeing things happen quickly enough it's frustrating! A weight loss battle can teach you a lot of big and small things about yourself, some things we already know, some things, we didn't and some things we don't want to know. Like it or not, if your in a serious battle with yourself, about weight....your gonna learn. Tonight I wanna share just a few of the biggest things I have learned about myself this year!

1. I have learned that I am fat! Obviously this falls under the category of things I already knew about myself, but really, I have a lot of workout buddies this go around, and some of them aren't fat! In fact some of them are plain skinny, and I don't begrudge them that, I'm just saying I look like a very very large person working out next to some of them. Sometimes I hate it because it's easier for these people, and really I'm wishing it was easier for me, it's clearly my own fault,and that is what I'm trying to fix but it's still frustrating at times.

2. I have learned that I am pretty impatient when it comes to myself. In a weird way I sort of already knew that, but it's always to so much more of an extreme when I am trying to lose weight. Like I said, even though it took me years to gain all the weight, I want it to come off now.....and stay off! Please and Thank You!

3. I have learned that I am really really self conscious when it comes to working out at the gym with people I don't know. This is a new thing for me because I have never had a gym membership before and it can really bother me to bust my butt in front of strangers because frankly I'm sure it isn't a pretty sight. I have had to learn to take on an attitude of feeling good and not caring what they are thinking because at least I am there trying to fix it. This is also weird for me because I have no problem spouting my weight and all my personal information regarding my weight loss journey all over the internet in this blog! ;) I guess we all have a comfort zone...and this is mine. I know people that would't dare tell someone what they weigh, but have no problem working out in front of whoever.

4. Sometimes the people who you believed would be your biggest supporters, are everything but that. This has been the toughest one for me so far. Some people just can't find it in themselves to tell you that you are doing a good job, or to throw you some words of encouragement when they know how hard you have been working. This is one of those big things you can learn in a journey like this, and something that you don't learn just about yourself. It's never clear if it's out of selfishness, or jealousy, or just plain hardheartedness....whichever reason it is. It isn't right and it's certainly not fair, but you can't make people support you when they don't want to, whether they should be or not. Even if it's someone who should have, or someone you really thought would. Some people just don't have it in them! Most of the time it's people who haven't really been down a road like this one to really try hard to take weight off. In the end it's always a good thing to learn about people because as the old saying goes "When things get tough, you always learn who your true friends are", and that's true, you can learn who really wants you to succeed, you can learn who can support you through tough times, and you can learn who you can count on to stand by your side and support you no matter what the battle is you are fighting. On the reverse side of that, you can also have amazing support come from places you never thought and form strong bonds with people who want to see and help you succeed. At the end of the day, even though it can be tough, it's good to know who you can really depend on!

5. The last big thing I have really been learning is that......when people don't show support, and people don't want me to succeed.....it. makes. me. want. it. MORE!!!!! Tell me I can't do something and it is going to make me that much more determined to do it, and I can be a very controlled and determined person, in fact I'm known for it around my house :) It's a much needed skill that I have learned over many years of dealing with a lot of different types of people, and all the different types of crap that comes from it. I'm not saying that some of this stuff isn't hurtful, or even angering...but I am pretty good these days about taking negative energy and words, and using it to my own advantage, to push myself harder. Everyone knows success is that much sweeter when you do something someone either didn't want you to do, or didn't think you could do! So I guess even though it's something I would prefer to not deal with , I can use it as a tool. By all means, if you must, keep it coming ;)

I'm still going strong. Still learning, day by day. Keeping it going, no matter what happens. I'm still here, still working, still changing, and still positive that no matter what, that isn't going to change anytime soon!