The things that we hold on to!?!?

I have been thinking a lot lately about different people and the different things people hang on too. I have always been the type of person who will hold on with a death grip to people and things and places that I love. Or I used to be....I'm still trying to figure out exactly what has happened between then and now that has changed me so much.

The person that I am now doesn't hang on to things as much anymore. 5 years ago....I was one hell of a fighter. I had some pretty tough times in my marriage, but I wouldn't give up. No part of me could have even considered letting go of somebody that I loved so much. I have a friendship that was so far gone I thought it could never be fixed, and I fought for that too. My family relationships...always working so hard to keep everyone happy. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted everyone to know how much I loved them and the best way to show that is by holding on, right? It can come at a cost though. A cost of yourself, and who you really are. 

I sit here tonight and I say these things, I'm not preaching, I'm confessing. I'm confessing because I know I'm guilty too. I'm certainly guilty of both holding on too tight, and not holding on hard enough. I'm also guilty of being someone who is to hard to hold on to sometimes. 

I have experienced a lot of loss this year. Different things, different circumstances, different people. It breaks my heart because some of those things I didn't have to lose if I had just held on a little harder. Fought a little harder. Been a little more forgiving, or maybe a little more accepting. The thing is, I think that after years of holding on to people who didn't want it, or didn't appreciate it, or didn't care I gave up. I loved people to much and they took advantage of it, so I decided not to make the same mistakes anymore, and you know what it does make things a little easier, but when you dig a little deeper easier isn't always better. In some cases I know that it probably worked out for the best, but in other cases I'll never know what could have been.

I want to learn when it's right to hold on and when it's right to let go. I wanna learn to love people for exactly who they are, and not only love them but be accepting of them, even if I can't agree, even if I can't relate, even if it's different than who I thought they were, even if I don't think it what's best, because who am I to tell anyone? 

Losing weight is seriously a mental battlefield at least half of the time. This is where it's time to let go...freely let go! Let go of the anger we are carrying around, let go of the little voices in our heads telling us we are going to fail, let go of our self doubt, our fear of losing things we don't want to let go of, our fear of the scale, our fear of calories and chocolate, fear of shin splints and burning muscles and getting up early to work out, let go of our fantasy of looking hot while working out (me+jogging=not a pretty sight), let go of being afraid for other people to see it..the jerk who is making fun of the way you look jogging should maybe get of his or her butt and do it themselves! LET IT GO! As long as this stuff is hanging on we don't have the clear head and strong body to accomplish our goals. Let go of the past, the mistakes that have been made, the people that aren't in your life anymore, the heart break, the bad decisions, the wrong paths, the words you said that you wish you hadn't or worse...the words you never said that you wish you had. The thing to hold on to are the memories, the beautiful memories, the things that make you smile, the lessons you have learned, the things you loved about people you don't have anymore, the things that made you better, the things that are light enough that you can carry them into the future without it weighing you down. I need to let go and love and forgive myself, because I have to know that I am a person that deserves to reach my goals.

I know, that for me, I need to keep my emotional baggage light, because every bit of any kind of weight could throw me off track.  I need to look forward and not back. I'm still improving everyday, in more ways than one and I'm learning, everyday. Today I learned what to hold on to and what not to.

Hold on tight to the people that are beside me, the people that I live for and love. The people that I wouldn't even dream of letting go of because I learned that I need them, and that some things really are worth fighting for. Let go of my fears and my negativity and my regrets. Hang on to myself and my goals, so I can let go of what I have wanted to let go of all along...all these extra pounds!!!

I fall...I get back up again!

Ok friends, it's been awhile since I have blogged...and I'm sad and ashamed to say that I have not followed my diet and exercise plan steadily since St. Patrick's Day. I am having a tough time figuring out how to fit my exercise plan into my new schedule because I have since added 3 new daycare kids...one who is younger than my youngest which makes it double hard to find the time and opportunity. It's not a good excuse I know and I needed to make my diet and exercise a priority and made sure it got done anyways, but I didn't, so here I am having to start again. Luckily and by some sort of miracle I only gained 12 pounds back! I'm not happy about that but considering that it's been almost 2 months it's not bad at all and could have been much worse and I think I can lose that in a month. Another stroke of luck has hit also because the weather is beautiful and I happen to have found a double stroller at a yard sale for nice and cheap.

I am still fitting in my new jeans and I am still proud of myself for how far I have come, but I didn't stick to it and that is not anything to be proud of. And my dear blog friends I started this blog so that I could have people holding me accountable during my weight loss journey...nobody even chewed me out when I quit blogging! That's what I want from you guys so next time chew my ass so that I have other people riding me to keep going. :) Here we go again friends, moving forward because even though I screwed up, doesn't mean I can't try again and succeed, it doesn't mean all the hope is lost. I'm still a lot smaller than I was 3 years ago...I'm still smaller than I was in January this year, and I still have my shot to make this happen. I'm a work in progress..still growing and changing, still messing up, forgiving myself and moving on. The thing I have going for me is that I still haven't given up, I still haven't decided it's not worth it, I still haven't decided it's not worth it, because I know it is. I don't give up easy and I'm going to keep fighting...so start this journey again after the small "intermission" and see where it takes us! It's not going to be fast or easy...but I am going to succeed someday!

“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” ~Denis Waitley

Before and After pics...Progress so far :)

We are almost halfway through March now and I just don't know where the time has gone. On January 1st I started this journey knowing it was going to be long and tough, but I really had no idea how tough it was going to be. I have dieted before, I have done this before......but never has it lasted this long...not with me still being in full swing, and dedicated to it. It's an uphill battle, that I'm still fighting.

We as people are programmed to keep going when things get tough, but when it comes to weight loss, that instinct doesn't always kick in. It's so, so easy to give in and make excuses. I have definitely felt myself losing my will at times. Thank god for my mom and my husband who somehow seem to put things into perspective for me when I start to lose my way. Reminding me why I am doing this, and reminding me that I can...and how far I have come. My kids keep me going and give me reasons to stay determined without even realizing they do. When I need a renewed motivation it always comes at just the right time, and sometimes for me it's good to look back at where I came from. So with that in mind today I am going to post some before and after...as far as I have come along up to today. The after pictures were taken this evening, and boy I am renewed again, because I really have come a long way! I am wearing the same shirt in both pictures...I can't wear the same pants today as I did before because they are way too big! :) So I just slipped on some black leggings. Here is my proof...that I am doing this! And I have every reason to be proud!

Being at peace with yourself!

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."-St. Francis de Sales

I know that for me it is really hard to just be mellow and laid back and that's why I want to blog about this today. I am one of those types that can get panicked when things start to get out of control, or what feels like out of control to me. I like having things under control, and in order and part of that is just being obsessive compulsive which I have dealt with my entire life, but part of that is because my life can get so overloaded sometimes, that having that control is the only way I am able to keep things running smoothly. So even though my life is very busy, it's normally a smooth sailing busy, it's a well oiled machine, and for the most part that's how it stays and that is what I can handle.

Then there are those times when something happens, or someone happens, or something doesn't happen that should have...it's a recipe for a stressful day. On most days when something comes up, it's an easy fix or it's easy to work around, or to work through. So I wondered why is it that sometimes an upset in a day can throw everything into a downward spiral and I think that it is when we start to lose touch with our inner peace that things don't remain peaceful in our outside world.

Learning about emotions, and feelings, battles within ourselves, who we are, who we want to be, how we want to treat other people, the type of impact we want to have in other peoples lives....these are the things that we don't learn in school. Some of these things can't be taught by anyone, you have to learn it and figure it out yourself. I feel no shame when I say that I am still learning, and in fact until a couple years ago, I wasn't concerned with learning about this kind of stuff. Too young, not thinking about what I wanted my impact to be. I'm not saying that I wanted to be mean or unkind or that I didn't want to know who I was, I just didn't put much thought into figuring it out. We learn about ourselves throughout our whole lives, your never too old or too young...but we only learn it if we want to and choose to. It might not always be positive because none of us are perfect, I know that everyone has something to learn about themselves that isn't flattering but that's ok. It's ok because you aren't the only one, but more than that you can't love yourself in the way you should without accepting even the things you aren't proud of, and you can't change those things if you don't first recognize them.

So the more I  delve into myself, the more I learn, I find things both that I love and that I really do not like. Everything that we are is placed there at one time or another in one way or another and we are the only ones that can feed the positive things, and work out the negative things. And even though we will never be perfect people, we will be improving all the time. That's the best that anyone can do.

So today I'm working on keeping my inner peace intact because the more I learn I am realizing that all of this other stuff in life, in love, in friendship, in ourselves, in our outside world..all of this stuff is much more manageable, and understandable if you hold on to your inner peace. It's something I want to learn to hang on to even when things are really, really tough...especially when things are really, really tough because that's when we need it the most. I need to be at peace within myself, I need to be at peace with who I am...in every way. I need to let go of those things that threaten to take that away from me, and I need to learn to accept and love those things that I can't let go of.

I know without a doubt that for the rest of my life I am going to be imperfect, I'm the type of person who can sometimes get flustered when I feel like I'm losing control, I'm going to work on that but it will always be a part of me. I just know as long as I am making a conscious effort, it can only get better from here!

Weigh and Measure Day February

Last weigh in was January 31st, and I have been loving this once a month weigh in because it so much less stressful on me day to day and week to week, but it always catches up to me, and so even though it does not seem like a month has passed...it has and I had to weigh and measure. I was already a little anxious because February has not been my best month. I took more days off than I should, and that is when the numbers tell on you. I decided to go into it with a positive attitude anyways, and I am telling myself just as all of you who are trying to lose weight should be telling yourselves...a loss is good, any loss is good, any loss is less than you were the last time, be proud and let's appreciate ourselves! So anyways here it is...



224.3!!!!!!!!!!!

It's definitely not the 24 pound loss of last month but it's a 10.1 pound loss this month. 10 pounds less than I was, 34 pounds less than I was January 31st, and darn near 80 pounds less than I was 3 years ago...and here is the REALLY exciting thing about it....This is the lowest weight I have been at since I had my daughter Hailee almost 8 years ago!!! My lowest weight in 8 years!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT IS A BIG DEAL!!!! So rather than being discouraged I am looking in the positive light, I am still steadily losing, still going down, still getting smaller, every month can't be a record breaker. Besides I am only 24.3 pounds away from 200, and when I hit 199 I am literally throwing a party (and I mean that quite literally). Every pound and inch deserves a pat on the back because this is hard. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done and I triumph every day when I keep going, keep moving forward, keep reaching for my goals....it's that determination that will ensure that I get where I wanna be going. It was pretty awesome anyways because I felt  more determined than ever, I jogged 6 miles today and I am getting ready to try our new Zumba, but before that I wanna give you all my measurements as well.

Waist-41 1/2 inches
Hips- 41.5 inches
Right thigh- 25 1/2 inches
Left thigh- 24 1/2 inches
Right calf- 16 inches
Left calf- 16.5 inches
Right Arm-14 inches
Left Arm- 13.5 inches
Bust- 42.5 inches

Soooooooooooooooooooo....since January 1st

I have lost...
6.5 inches off my waist!
11 inches off my hips!
2.5 inches off my right thigh!
3.5 inches off my left thigh!
1 inch off my right calf!
.5 inch off my left calf!
.5 inch off my right arm!
.5 inch off my left arm!
4.5 inches off my bust!

That is 30 1/2 inches off of my body! That's more than 2 feet!

So wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaking hoooooooooooooooooooooooo to me!!! I'm doing a pretty awesome job...and here is to another month of losing! :)

Outside Influence

Today started out as an amazing day, I did a 25 minute jog on my treadmill and I felt so amazing, the sun was shining and it was so bright and beautiful outside. Then some stuff got stirred up in my personal life that I was not happy about. I have really done a great job staying clear of negative energy, but every now an again stuff pops up that squashes that...if you let it!

When I set out on my afternoon outdoor jog with my hubby I was feeling pretty rattled by the whole thing, of course trying to figure out how it happened, how to fix it, how to just make it stop. I was sure that I either wasn't going to be able to complete my jog, or that I wasn't going to do to hot at it. I had already decided that I was going to focus my blog on that, how negativity affects us physically and mentally.

When I finished the jog, I had done just fine, normal time and everything and I realized that I am not that person anymore! I did what I needed to do just the same. There was a time that I would have used it as an excuse not to do the things I needed to, or as an excuse to be depressed and eat what I shouldn't, or as an excuse to do something with much less enthusiasm than I should be, but not today! I have changed in so many ways, and as I have said before with my stronger body comes a stronger mind...I am living proof of that.

I don't want to spend my life hung up on negativity, worrying about what people are thinking of me, or saying about me. Spending my time thinking or worrying about those things is a catastrophic waste of time that I could be using to the million things I do every day. I am proud, I am proud because I didn't let outside stuff interfere with my goals. I didn't let that get in my way, I didn't let it bring me down, I didn't let it stop me from moving forward, and most importantly I didn't let it affect who I am, and what I stand for. I have been learning that when you have mental and emotional weight on your shoulders...it's bad news if your trying to take pounds off your body. Carrying things like anger, and hate, and grudges. Worrying about pleasing everyone you know, worried about who is mad at you and why, worried about what people are thinking and saying about you, worried about trying not to get in trouble with people in your life, how to fix things whether they are your fault or not, wondering and wishing for more honesty and accountability out of others...all these things are heavy weights to carry around, and that kind of stuff can pack the pounds on very quickly, it's hard to be healthy and happy and strong on the outside when on the inside your mad or sad and angry and weak. We all carry something around that we don't want to at one time or another, learning to deal with it and let go is the challenge. As long as you take those things, deal with them the best you can...and then let them go, you can keep your mind and your conscience nice and clear.

I don't care if it makes me weird, I would rather be alone than be around those who feed off of negativity and get pleasure out of causing hurt, bringing other people down, It's not something I want to be a part of, because losing weight is more than diet and exercise, scales and counting calories...it's a mental battle too. It's a mental battle more than a physical one in my opinion and in order to win that battle you have to have a healthy mind. I'm in no way a perfect example of any of this stuff, but I do try really hard, looking back on just the last 2 months I have made some pretty big strides. I'm a work in progress, constantly changing, changing for the better in every sense of the word, and I am not just a little proud of that....I'm VERY proud of that!!!!!!

Trying Something new

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

This can be applied to so many different aspects of weight loss. Different diets that don't work, that we keep going back to anyways. Different workouts, different books, starting and stopping, loving and hating...I just want to focus on one thing tonight though and that's the way I treat myself.

I have tried a lot of different things, but I have a hard time being nice to myself. Maybe that's why it has been such a struggle because in my past I am constantly telling myself that I can't do it...so then I give up. I don't know why we feel the need to be so hurtful and mean to ourselves, we know it's wrong to treat other people badly and I really try not to, but I take no issue with being downright awful to myself.

My diet and exercise and weight are constantly running through my head, and I am so mean to myself. So what I want to try and work on is just loving me a little more, being kinder to myself, don't say things to myself that I wouldn't say to someone else. If you tell yourself something enough times, you could start to believe it, and failure is just not an option for me at this point.

I am striving to be a healthier, stronger, better person...physically and mentally and I do not intend on letting anything or anyone get in my way, and that includes myself. Sometimes we have to give credit when it's due, and I know that giving credit to ourselves might seem self-centered or silly, but it's important for us to be aware of our worth. On top of that there are enough outside influences who are more than willing and ready to take you down and be cruel, trying to make you give up on yourself and your goals. 

You can't keep yourself safe from people with hateful intentions when you don't treat yourself any better. You have to be on your own side because sometimes, there are things that only we can do for ourselves.

Me with my little blogging partner!